Why You’re Hugging All Wrong – And How to Fix It
I am not what you would call a “hugger.” Sure, I hug my close friends and family.
But acquaintances and co-workers? Those hugs feel forced and awkward, and it’s like my body has forgotten how to execute on a hug. Which side do I tilt my head to? Do I use both arms? What if I use only one arm, but it’s the same side arm they use, and our arms meet in the middle in a clumsy hug-and-high-five hybrid?
Don’t even get me started on the boob issue.
Clearly, I am in need of some coaching in the casual hugging department.
But recently, I learned that it’s not just the casual hugs I’m struggling with.
The way I’m hugging my husband and kids is all wrong.
Here’s Why
According to The Happiness Project†, you need to hold a hug for at least six seconds to get the happy chemicals oxytocin and serotonin flowing.
Why is that important? Those are the chemicals that boost your mood and promote bonding.
After I learned this, I paid attention to the hugs I gave my husband and kids for a couple days. I counted to myself while we hugged.
Three seconds here, half a second there.
Our hugs—if we remembered to exchange them—were rushed.
After a couple days of those quick, bland hugs, I decided to do my own experiment.
When my husband got home from work, I walked up to him and opened my arms for a hug.
Then instead of letting go after a couple seconds, I just kept hugging.
And the funniest thing happened.
After six seconds, my body felt warmer.
Eight seconds, and my body relaxed into his.
Ten seconds, I let go of a deep breath I didn’t realize I’d been holding.
After our crazy busy day filled with work drama and toddler temper tantrums, we just…connected.
Everything else melted away.
That hug recharged me so I could face whatever came my way—from picky eating at dinner to epic bedtime stalling.
Related: 21 Sweet and Silly Ways to Hug Your Child So They Feel Absolutely Loved {Printable}
A Hugging Challenge for You
After you read this, promise yourself you’ll try a 6-second hug. Say it out loud to yourself, or write it down to make the commitment official.
Then the next time you see your partner, try it out.
After six seconds, I bet you’ll be hooked.
When the day-to-day routine starts to get the better of you, a 6-second hug is the perfect way to connect with your husband or wife.
Your marriage needs it.
Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear
Want More?
Find more scientifically proven tricks to stay connected as a couple, check out:
- How to Connect With Your Partner: 7 Sweet + Simple Tricks for When You’re Busy or Tired
- How to Reconnect With Your Spouse Like Magic, According to Science
Your Turn
How do you stay connected when real life gets in the way? Share your tip in a comment below!
I actually do this with my husband all the time. I LOVE it. It makes him feel claustrophobic lol
Such a sweet reminded – although I think my hugs for my 5yo average at about a minute and a half. ;)
Sometimes when I’m feeling really disconnected, I push it all the way to 30 seconds! It really does work.
My kids are exactly the same ages and I’ve experienced the same epic explosions. Your feelings resonate with me. I look forward to reading your stuff more. And being purposeful with my hugs.
Less rush + longer hugs = more connection. Every big-hearted moment makes a difference!
Hello All, I’m a husband with way too much space between my Wife and me since the start of our 3 children family nearly 20 years ago, we’ve become so caught up in Kids, that we’ve forgotten about putting us first. its a very hard struggle, I am going to try this every day when I get home, she means the world to me… thanks for sharing.