I Found the Secret to Being a Happy Mom
Being home all day with my kids is a blessing. I know that, and I appreciate it.
But that doesn’t change the fact that I’m home all day with my kids.
Today, I was nursing my newborn girl Charlie on the living room couch when I realized my toddler was awful quiet.
I heard a rustle in the dining room, so while still nursing, I awkwardly pushed off the couch to have a look.
And when I rounded the corner, I chuckled at myself.
Because Bailey was just sitting at the kids’ art table, scribbling away.
“Are you drawing, honey?” I asked.
She stopped and stared at me. “Yeah,” she said.
I turned to head back to the living room, shaking my head and feeling silly for worrying.
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But Wait…
Why did she stop what she was doing?
I whipped back around and hurried to where Bailey was sitting. In her hand?
A blue Sharpie.
On the art table. The nice dining room chair. Her arms. Her belly. All over her hands. HER FACE.
She looked up at me, and she suddenly got very, very still. Which is saying something for her.
So yes, I’m lucky to be home with my kids. But that doesn’t mean my first reaction was to skip off, tra-la-la-ing to retrieve the rubbing alcohol. (Which, in case you find yourself in a similar situation one day, worked on the toddler’s skin but not the wood table or chair.)
After I scrubbed her arms and hands and belly and face until she resembled a sunburned Strawberry Shortcake, I went to rescue baby Charlie from the bouncy seat on the bathroom counter.
And I guess she must’ve been feeling left out of all the fun we were having.
When I lifted her out of her seat, a glob of mustard yellow dropped to the counter. I held her away from my body and peered around to her back. An impressive out-the-back-and-both-leg-holes variety of blowout.
So yes, I feel immense gratitude for my life. But that doesn’t mean I laid the baby gently on the changing table, then fist-pumped the air in anticipation of the awesome task ahead.
After I changed the baby’s diaper and wiped her down and cleaned the bathroom counter and got her dressed again, it dawned on me that I hadn’t seen Bailey in a while.
I walked out of the bathroom into the bedroom and saw her standing on the arm of the rocking chair. All the better to reach into the top drawer of the dresser.
And I started walking faster because I realized what we keep in that top drawer of the dresser.
As I got closer, I saw the wrappers on the floor under the open dresser drawer.
“Oh, God,” I said.
Condoms.
She’d unwrapped every single one and let the wrappers fall. And in her hands?
The things themselves. All clumped together in her innocent little hands.
So yes, I’m happy for the gift of seeing my girls all day every day. But that doesn’t mean I cheerfully hummed a Mary Poppins tune as I pried the clump from her hands and held her up to the bathroom sink where I washed her hands for 27 minutes.
What You Might Not Expect
This all happened before 10 am.
I did not text my husband a play-by-play of the morning.
I did not call him to share a laundry list of grievances.
I did not take a photo of each epic mess and send it to him.
Why?
Because there’s nothing he could do to help.
It’s not like he can reach through the phone to scrub permanent marker, baby poo, and condom slime.
Venting does nothing to dissolve anger. All venting does is intensify my anger to the boiling point.
And he can’t leave work on a moment’s notice to come home and stay with the kids so I can lock myself in the upstairs bathroom with a bag of Dove chocolate† and a box of wine. (Yes, we’re classy boxed wine folk.)
Related: The Only Thing You Need to Survive the “Terrible Twos” – With Your Sanity Intact
Here’s What Complaining Does Accomplish
Complaining about every little (or big) hiccup gives me a skewed perspective of my day.
Complaining puts my focus squarely on the problem. Not the solution.
And complaining to my husband Ty makes him feel powerless.
His wife is about to throw Tickle Me Elmo off a cliff, and he can’t do a thing to help her.
Ty never actually told me all this. But I know.
I know because after Bailey was born and I still had a desk job, Ty stayed home with Bailey one afternoon a week.
On those afternoons, I peppered him with questions. Is she napping okay? Did she take the bottle I left? Is she being fussy? Is he getting any work done?
And of course, as is the case when you try to get work done while watching kids, the answers were usually: No, no, yes, no.
I wanted to help. But I was stuck at work.
And my husband at home with a fussy, non-sleeping baby was all I could think about, so I wasn’t even being super productive at work.
Related: How to Be a Happy Mom: 7 Quick Solutions You Can Try Now
I Made a Pact With Myself
When I left my corporate job to become a full-time blogger – as “full-time” as you can be while wrangling a toddler and a newborn – I vowed not to complain to my husband about all the little bumps in the road. I needed to stop complaining in order to be a happy mom.
It took me a while to tell him about my pact, and when I did, he wasn’t actually a fan of it.
He wants me to tell him about those everyday frustrations. He wants to know if I’m on the brink of moving to Canada to start a new life as a Mountie.
So I promised if I’m really at my breaking point, I will tell him. And he will get away from work if he can and come give me a break.
For everything else, I don’t text. I don’t call.
If I happen to feel a burning desire to share a frustrating story before I see him in person, I try to focus on a solution, not the problem. Or I wait until I can laugh about it.
Complaining in the moment doesn’t do anyone any good. And it definitely doesn’t make me a happy mother.
Related: How to Go From Angry Mother to Happy Mom: With 5 Simple Hair Ties {Printable}
Happy Moms Don’t Do This Either
The moment my husband walks through the door after work, I can barely contain myself.
I’m ready to unload all the crappy parts of my day.
But again, I hold back.
When I haven’t seen my husband all day, the last thing I want to do is get all worked up into a froth of anger as my first interaction with him.
And the same goes for him. We both avoid unloading our frustrations first thing when we see each other. Complaining right off the bat infiltrates the tone of our whole evening together.
Instead, we greet each other with a hug. And not just any kind of hug.
We share the funny parts of our days, we play a quick game of chase with the kids, or we have an impromptu dance party in the kitchen.
Only then do we take a deep breath and share those daily annoyances.
And here’s the best part: After a hug and a few giggles, those frustrations transform into just another opportunity to share a laugh. Happy mom, happy family.
Related: 7 Quick Ways to Connect With Your Partner
A Confession
On those days, it’s hard to stop from complaining, and I’m not perfect. As my husband reminds me almost daily: Ideals are a vision, not a reality. When I slip up, I forgive myself and get my mindset back on track.
This morning, I have to admit that I did text my husband.
Twice.
The first: Do you think it’s okay to use rubbing alcohol to clean the kids’ art table? I focused on the solution, not the problem. Score!
And the second: I think Bailey’s telling us she’s ready for another sibling. I’ll explain later.
Get Your Free Cheat Sheet
When you’re in the thick of a mom funk, it’s hard for your brain to settle on the right steps to take in order to get back to being a happy mom. Use this cheat sheet to help you in those tough moments.
- Get the free cheat sheet. You’ll get the printable, plus join my weekly newsletter! Just click here to get it and subscribe.
- Print. Any paper will do the trick, but card stock would be ideal.
- Hang your cheat sheet somewhere handy like the fridge.
Here’s a sneak peek of your printable cheat sheet:
How to Find Happiness in the Chaos of Parenting
After my family welcomed our third little one into the mix, we became a family of five with a second-grader, a toddler, and a newborn. Even though I could have used more sleep and way more coffee, we were happy. Then my husband’s paternity leave ended, and I was at home with the kids all day. As time wore on, my patience became razor thin. And one day, I just broke.
The shame burns my cheeks just thinking of that day, even now. But thanks to that experience, I realized I had to make a change. I threw myself into researching how to find happiness in the chaos of parenting. Something beyond “make time for you” and “exercise more.” Because when you’re overwhelmed and at your breaking point, you don’t need the “experts” telling you more stuff to do on top of everything else.
That’s how I discovered the secrets: 10 secrets every parent should know about being happy. After hearing from hundreds of parents in the same boat as me, I knew I needed to share what I discovered. And so I wrote a book: Happy You, Happy Family.
Click here to get a free excerpt and start your journey towards finding more happiness as a parent.
Because the truth is that happiness won’t come from a big promotion at work, or from winning the lottery, or from your kids all learning to put their toys away when they’re done playing. Because eventually, you just get used to all that stuff.
True, lasting happiness comes from a conscious effort by you to put the right habits in place.
Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear
Your Turn
How do you stay positive when the kids drive you crazy? Share in a comment below!
Such a great post! I think this, “That doesn’t mean I laid the baby gently on the changing table, then fist-pumped the air in anticipation of the awesome task ahead.” might be my new favorite sentence!
I’m sorry, but I was chuckling throughout this entire post! It’s all about perspective, and you’ve got a great attitude about things. Thanks for a GREAT read and for the laugh. =)
~Heather aka HoJo
Oh my! Thanks for sharing your perspective. I enjoyed reading this.
You made me smile and chuckle, but also artfully reminded me ways to be a better mommy and a better wife. Thanks for sharing your moments of exasperation, humor, joy, and learning! Great post.
This def made me laugh! Thank you for sharing!
Such a great perspective! I have a tendency toward complaining and have been trying to do similar things when I see my husband at the end of the day. Thanks for sharing!
I really enjoyed this post. I’m in the process of finishing my final weeks in the corporate world to stay home with my 20 month old daughter. I don’t typically take the time to comment, but this post was exactly what I didn’t know I needed to read. Thank you.
This is pretty awesome, I must say – maybe it’s time I give it a try and not text my husband all the daily grievances as well. Thanks for sharing! =)
P.S. Try rubbing with mint toothpaste to get the Sharpie off the art and dining room tables, no idea why but it’s worked for me and my mother a number of times!
Thank you for this. I’ve been trying everything you suggested. I read this everytime I need a reminder. Your wirds have been so inspirational! O’m happier, kids ans hubby are happuer too ??
This is good. I try not to text or call my husband too much anymore with complaints. I have found that just writing it down helps me. Sometimes while writing it down later I can find the humor in it.
Also, a pencil eraser got the sharpie off the table my husband had made for me. We didn’t know how to get it off for the longest time. When I read that an eraser might do the trick I was concerned that it might be too late for us, that the ink might have set. It might have been easier when it was freshly done, but it still came off.
Aside from the content of the post, I was distracted by all the embedded links. A link to buy Strawberry Shortcake on amazon? Really?
I love your positive yet honest & realistic attitude. Do you have any advice/articles on not keeping score? I do it with everyone even though I know it’s unhealthy & damaging. I know I & my family would be much happier & healthier if I could find a way to stop with the constant score card in the head! Thank you
ReNae, thank you for your lovely comment. I don’t have any posts about that, but I will add it to my list of ideas for future posts!
Can we be friends? This article just made my day!
I love this article. I work full-time but would love to stay home with my kids. However, I know I would eventually go crazy! It’s nice to know that other moms feel that way too!!! :-)
Great article. Love your writing style.
Now did you find something to remove the Sharpie off of the wood furniture? I have an idea that might help
OMG I think you are my soul sister. Thank you for sharing this. I work with moms who are looking to find themselves within the overwhelm of motherhood, and mindset is HUGE. And I find that there are way too many moms groups on Facebook where the moms just support each other in their ventfest, and no one ever comes to a solution. It IS about the mindset first and foremost. I am excited to read the excerpt from your book!
Love this! I catch myself complaining to my husband all the time. It’s hard to keep the little things in perspective when your entire day is made up of little things. Great reminder to have a positive attitude.
This was great!
I need to get better about this. I don’t txt my husband during the day but I have on occasion unloaded on him the minute he comes home. I wish I had someone else to talk to about my frustration sometimes though. sometimes his complaining though about his job and other things gets old and sometimes I feel really under appreciated about all the work I do at home it’s almost like he doesn’t even acknowledge it half the time
I really enjoyed this post! What a great perspective to take :)
Actually, the other day, my husband caught me (and secretly snapped a couple of hilarious photo, albeit, encriminating photos) sitting on the floor in front of our pantry eating candy. That’s kind of my quick retreat when I need a breather. Not the healthiest but it gets the job done.
I have had a series of horrifying days back to back where I actually called a babysitter while crying in my closet to come over ASAP so I could get away (my 5 year old went through quite the destructive phase for about a month. Thank the Lord she has lovely handwriting seeings how she scratched her name in the TV with a push pin.)
This article made me laugh but also related to me on so many levels. Thank you so much for being real.
Parenting can be described as hard and overwhelming, but it can also be described as exhilarating and beautiful, it’s all about your perspective. The good news is that it is possible to control your thoughts and feelings. If you find yourself thinking negative thoughts too often, don’t worry, your brain can be rewired, just like a computer.
I love this post because you have made the conscious decision to see the humour of parenting. You’re enjoying your children and all the silly things that happen along the way. A lesson one can take through life.
As a dad of 3 older kids, when our family was in your position, I remember thinking that this is just how my life is going to be moving forward. But what I didn’t account for was growth. The kids have grown older and the challenges of parenting change. It won’t always be as chaotic as it is now for you.
My girls are now teenagers and the boy is in 5th grade. All 3 kids are gone ALL DAY! and my wife has peace and quiet. Sometimes I’ll have a weekday off and we get to reconnect as husband and wife. We get lunch, go to the movies, and just be together.
My point is, it wont always be like this. And when it’s not like this anymore, you’ll miss it. And when you look back at old pictures or videos of your kids being cute, you’ll wish for those days back.
This is a very timely reading for me as i’m almost at that point of ‘breaking’ (and i’m not even a stay at home mom). Thank you for sharing your experiences and useful advise. It definitely helps to know that i’m not alone on this and that there are things that one can do to change a person’s perspective on any situation.
? this annoyed me
A real inspiration,which i had found this article sooner. Can relate to this.
Wow! Thanks for this, it Made me smile, giggle, then tear up for a second!! I think this is exactly what I needed. A must read for all mom’s!!!