5 Perfectly Lovely Questions to Ask a Pregnant Woman – And One to Skip
At the ripe old age of 37 and approaching my third trimester of pregnancy, I am what the medical community refers to as “advanced maternal age.”
This is the badge of honor you earn for being pregnant when you’re 35 or older, and it comes with the following perks:
- An acronym! (AMA – and don’t you worry one bit about the fact that doctors also use AMA to refer to “against medical advice”)
- Extra ultrasounds as you reach your due date to make sure your placenta doesn’t start to “degrade” too early
- A strong encouragement to subject yourself to ALL THE TESTS EVER INVENTED
Because of that last perk, at 12 weeks pregnant, I took a blood test that screens for chromosomal abnormalities.
All results came back normal. Phew.
But the test has another feature. Instead of having to wait for the typical 20-week ultrasound, this blood test can tell you the gender of your baby.
A full two months early!
You can opt not to find out, of course, but we checked the gender box to find out.
Here’s Where It Gets Sticky
First, you should know that we have two girls – a 7-year-old and a toddler who will turn 2 in a couple months.
In the last few weeks, friends and family and strangers have been asking the question that you get constantly when you’re visibly pregnant:
“Do you know what you’re having?”
I’ve answered a few times, but most of the time I say “no,” even though we do, in fact, know the gender.
Why Would I Lie?
It’s not because we’re disappointed. Not at all.
We’re super very much a lot extremely excited to meet the newest member of our family.
But when we’re out and about with our two girls and someone – a stranger or a friend we haven’t seen in a bit – asks what gender we’re having, and we tell them…
Something happens.
They get a look in their eyes.
And I can’t bear to see that look again.
The Response
If it’s a boy, you might hear something like “I bet you’re happy to finally get a boy!” Which is a bit of a slight to our two wonderful girls, who are standing right there.
If it’s a girl, you might hear “Maybe you’ll get a boy next time!” Same slight.
I know these are just things you say when you’re making small talk with a pregnant lady – and shoot, I’ve probably said them myself before.
So I can understand the comments. It’s not that I’m offended.
It’s just that look I can’t take.
Disappointment? Sympathy? I’m not exactly sure what it is.
But Here’s the Thing
The miscarriage we experienced last year completely changed our perspective on pregnancy.
Our little one seems to be as healthy as can be, and we feel so incredibly grateful.
But we also know that the world can throw you a curveball at any time. Just because your fancy blood test came back normal doesn’t mean a damn thing.
And because of that, all we can do is choose happiness.
Even the smallest shred of disappointment over the particular method our little one will learn to use a toilet one day?
5 Questions to Ask a Pregnant Woman – Instead of the Gender Question
You never know what that pregnant woman has gone through to get to that point. Maybe she’s had five miscarriages before this pregnancy. She might have lived through the torture of a stillbirth at 37 weeks. It could be this was her last egg from years and years of IVF treatments, and it just so happened to stick this one last time.
Even if she’s had an easy journey to this pregnancy, pretty much everyone asks the gender question, so she probably hears it 20 times a day.
Now, you can find lots of advice on what NOT to ask a pregnant woman.
It’s harder to find tips on which questions to ask a pregnant woman that would put a smile on her edema-stricken face.
So if you want to ask something a little different the next time you run into a pregnant lady, try one of these questions instead:
- How do you manage to look so awesome when you’re pregnant?
- What do you need help with? (Also great options: Can I carry that for you? Would you like my seat? Can I buy you a cookie?)
- Do you have any family or friends who will be here to help after the baby’s born? (If they say no and seem a little worried about that, it’s the perfect opportunity to offer your help!)
- Are you redecorating a room for the baby’s nursery?
- Can I bring you a meal after the baby’s born? Or how about some freshly baked cookies? (Can you tell what this pregnant lady has on the brain?)
This Little Baby of Ours
The funny thing is, I actually do want to scream our news from the rooftops!
We are incredibly excited to meet our newest little one, and knowing the gender has helped us connect with the bean even further.
We have a name picked out, and the girls refer to their newest sibling by name already.
And after we learned the gender, I found myself listening to the song Far Away† by Ingrid Michaelson several times a day.
I will live my life as a lobsterman’s wife on an island in the blue bay.
He will take care of me, he will smell like the sea,
And close to my heart he’ll always stay.I will bear three girls all with strawberry curls, little Ella and Nelly and Faye.
While I’m combing their hair, I will catch his warm stare
On our island in the blue bay.
In other words…
WE’RE HAVING A GIRL!
Before you go, get my FREE cheat sheet: 75 Positive Phrases Every Child Needs to Hear
Your Turn
What are your best go-to questions to ask a pregnant woman? Share in a comment below!
Okay, so I did not know you were 37. I am a decade younger, and with already having three kids and now being visibly pregnant, I am definitely starting to get comments. I don’t mind the gender one that much though, although it is weird the varied responses you get and that look….
Katelyn, I am officially an OLD LADY. Hehe. I bet you could tell some stories about the comments you’re getting!
You are such a beautiful Mama!
Lisa, you are too sweet! Thank you for reading and always being so giving to the Austin blogging community :-)
These are wonderful suggestion and congratulations on your soon to be larger family!!! I wanted to share a word of caution about asking # 3 – “Do you have family who will be here to help after the babyโs born?”. As someone who comes from a really dysfunctional, abusive family, it’s awkward and painful whenever someone asks me if a family member will be helping me, or if I’ll be celebrating a holiday with my family, or any other number of what people understandably expect as normal questions about family. So I would suggest that unless you know the family situation of the pregnant person, you may want to shy away from asking about that. But the others questions are great!
You make such a good point. I’ve had tricky family situations before, so I totally understand and feel kind of silly for not seeing that before I hit publish! I’ll go edit to “family or friends” above. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment!
How about “do you have anybody…?”
You certainly don’t look 37! And I’m so excited for you! (Though I already knew, because I think I already asked you. Oops!) You make good points. We just found out we’re pregnant with baby #3 (shh my mom doesn’t even know.) and we have 2 boys so far. I’m wanting to wait to tell people we’re pregnant till I know. I don’t want there to be a team pink and team blue. UGH!
For those who asked me if I knew what I was having, I would answer (if in good spirits) “Of course! A baby!”…when I was feeling cranky, I would say something like “Kittens”.
And, I was 41 when I had my first and only.
Lol my friend used to say “well, we’re expecting a baby, but it might be a velociraptor” XD
Congratulations on your third girl! So exciting. I’m 30 weeks pregnant with my first — a boy — and definitely get the gender question constantly. If a well-meaning acquaintance asked me how I managed to look so awesome while pregnant, I would probably walk on Cloud 9 all day! The third trimester has definitely been kicking my rear so far, but I know it will all be more than worth it. :)
I have 3 girls but our 1st baby, a boy only lived 7 hours so I couldn’t agree more with the comments you made about no one knows the journey you may have gone through to get to that pregnancy. When I was pregnant for the 4th time (strangers assuming the 3rd and following 2 miscarriages) and I was asked what I was having I always replied “a baby, yes I’m pretty sure it’s a baby!” x
I love the questions to ask instead list!
Yay, congratulations!! It must be exciting to have 3 girls and see how their individual personalities shape up! Hope everything goes well with the remaining of the pregnancy!
Loved the list too, will keep that in mind!
Ooh! I got (good) shivers when I read that last little bit :-D
Congratulations and enjoy!
I just found out I’m pregnant with our third girl as well. Since EVERYONE seemed to think it was going to be a boy, we naturally get the same platitutdes and encouragement to “try again”. To which we say “heck no”… our family is COMPLETE, regardless of our childrens’ genders!
Our daughter had hoped so terribly for a little girl. She was trying to deal with knowing her third, and last would be another boy.
I asked her why she wanted to have little girl so badly. She said you and I had such awesome times growing up. I wanted that too! (Oh my)
I went on to tell her that she had a rare kind of spiritโฆ the kind it takes to raise three boys. I was right. Three in lacrosse, cross country, football, clarinet players, artistsโฆ she has it all. Plus some day she will have 3 young women in her life. I told her this is the chance to model the type of women she wants for daughter in laws.
There are days I canโt think that far ahead. She said. . I said I can, and there will be wonderful times.??You will have the opportunity to shape the next generation, no more wonderfeeling that that!
Well….I am naturally pregnant at 43 and the worst I was ever asked/said so far was….. Really? I didn’t know someone could get pregnant at 43, those eggs might be stale.
If I asked about the gender of a baby I would not say any of those things you mentioned. If a mother reveals the gender, Iโd say โthatโs great, congratsโ or when itโs a third girl like in your case Iโd say โoh so youโll have 3 girls, like charlieโs angelsโ
Very interesting. I’d like to know how a man can support his pregnant partner especially when she isn’t communicating much.
You might ask her if you and she can read a book together or you can read the book and ask her questions that arise. Good luck!
Itโs probably not the best question, but I love to ask about names! So I ask, โHow are you finding the process of selecting the babyโs names?โ That way, the parents to be can share if they want. Another question, โIs the baby kicking a lot?โ Or when did you first feel the baby kick?